I think most Christians would agree that having sex before marriage is wrong. After all the scripture is pretty clear on that topic over and over again. What are a little less clear are the lines we cross leading up to sex.
I can’t the number of dating talks I’ve attended in which some ambiguously intentioned young person asked, “How far is too far?”
For many of us, we feel like we are doing pretty well as long as we’re not going “all the way”, so prior to that boundary almost everything goes. Because of this mentality, a new trend of Christian dating has developed: sleeping but not having sex.
Countless Christian couples will share a bed for a night without doing the actual deed. And on some level, it would seem pretty innocent; all you are doing is sleeping together. That is not so bad right? Well as a person who has never engaged in this behavior, let me be the first person to say that it’s wrong. And if you’re doing it with your significant other, then you need to stop. Yeah, this is a pretty hard line stance, but here are my opinions about it:
First, when you share a bed with someone you are tempting yourself unnecessarily. Because if your boyfriend can lie next to you without getting aroused, then either he doesn’t like you very much, or he’s probably gay. I might be overstating my point in jest, but think about it, there is something to this statement.
When you are lying under the covers in a dark room, next to that person you are attracted to, on a cold evening, then it will be extremely difficult to set appropriate boundaries. After all “body no b firewood”. Your judgment will be compromised, be your desires.
Even if you don’t start out having sex, it won’t be long until you reach that point. You’ll find yourself needing to go further and further to get to the same degree of pleasure, and eventually you will find yourself facing the final frontier. For that reason, don’t put yourself in that position. Even if you are not spending the entire night together, being in bed is a tremendous temptation, so it should be avoided no matter the circumstances.
Secondly, Christians should avoid sleeping over because it compromises your witness. If your roommates are not Christians, and they see your boyfriend sleeping over, they will automatically assume you are having sex. When this happens, we fail to distinguish between Christian relationships from worldly relationships in any substantive way.
Finally, spending the night should be avoided because it is intimate, and certainly not appropriate outside the bonds of marriage. I think this intimacy stems from a lot of things. One you are imitating the intimacy between married couples. I mean across cultures, husbands and wives consummate their marriages by having sex in one marital bed.
Conversely, a husband might be kicked out of that bed and exiled to the couch, if the couples fight. That said, sleeping together in one bed symbolizes the union between husband and wife. The sharing of a bed, represents the sharing of a life.
When we share a bed with another person, we are in close proximity for an extended period of time. This in my opinion is what separates sharing a bed with a friend of the same sex, from sharing a bed with someone you are attracted to. When I share a bed with a girlfriend, we might be sleeping in separate beds. I don’t want her all up in my space, and neither does she. In fact, I had to share a bed with a college buddy, and I woke up in the middle of the night, when I felt her nudge my foot back to my side of the bed.
And finally, sleeping together is intimate because we are most vulnerable when we are asleep. In a sense, sleeping with someone in such close proximity is an act of trust and commitment. We can let down our guard and be ourselves, trusting that the person will still be there in the morning. Again, this is a kind of commitment that is appropriate in marriage, but should be avoided prior to that time. In a sense, spending the night with someone can be a kind of commitment in which we feel safe and protected by the person who is next to us (especially for us ladies), so for the sake of guarding your heart and not jumping the gun emotionally, you really shouldn’t do it.
So if you are dating someone with whom you find yourself spending the night a lot, talk to them about it. Make a commitment to one another to stop this behavior for the sake of the relationship. After all, this is not about rules and regulations–this is about honoring God and honoring your significant other. When the physical relationship gets out of hand, then it corrodes your relationship with God and your boyfriend, so we should all abstain from such spiritual poison. And if your roommates are doing this, talk to them about it and figure out how to hold them accountable in a way that is encouraging, rather than judgmental.
And finally, enjoy having an entire bed to yourself while you can! Some people hate going to bed alone, but I say relish in it, because the poor guy I marry is going to be fighting me for bed space.
